“A Convenient Inconvenience”

“On the way to a shopping mall we stopped at my apartment to pick up a few games I was asked to lend to my cousin, Ryan, one of the two people I was with that day.” –Direct testimony of Matthew R. Croasdale

On Tuesday, December 18th, 2007 Cousins Matthew, and Ryan Croasdale, on a leisurely outing with mutual friend and comrade, Chris Barone encountered the following ‘event’: The three men were asked by a “twenty-ish” looking woman with blonde hair if they might provide the service of jump starting her automobile. She appeared to have a 3 or 4 year old Honda Civic of moderate wear and tear. The problem was clear, she left an electrical accessory on; that coupled with the extremely cold temperature of 24 degrees, has rendered her battery sapped of its vital energy, it’s essential vigor of life. The solution was as clear as the problem, as the binary opposite is always the easiest to realize. The most under appreciated epiphany, the most reliable resolve, and the phenomenon we know as “common sense”. I often lay awake at night pondering if whether such a thing is good or bad, right or wrong, central or peripheral, but that analysis is for another event, for another discussion, for another day.
The procedure was simple and effective. I was even able to visually document the event for personal records and evident insurance for any unfortunate legal tensions that might arise from unseen caustic actions during the timeframe of the event. I have included selected samples of said photographic documentation with this remarkable event below.









There was a fuck up that I made and it was the result of my own negligence. I tapped the clamps of the jumper cables while they were still juiced and I fucking shocked my hands. It felt like I just jerked off a robot and activated the electric ejaculatory function of the “male” machine. I can confidently use this analogy as it was the most accurate description of the feeling I had experienced and think it is appropriate to use.
In the end, the strange woman was provided her much needed boost in the battery department and the boys got their good deed for the day squared away. I’d like to say that their actions were worthy of the subtitle, “Holiday Spirit”, but I really don’t think those hollow meaningless words hold any value. Fuck the deformed mutation of the bastard child formally known as “X-Mas”, it too a comodified simulacra of its own lost referential.
“Merry Christmas”.